What if I was more
and by more I mean more in all ways for all things
and by I, I mean this shell of a man’s skin and bones that’s packed full
with memories and dreams, heartbeats, wishes and words?
So many words and by words I mean all of the whispers
and longings and letters tied to letters hooked to sentences that
anchor themselves to my tongue and threaten to leap the moment I open my
mouth but find themselves lost in the darkness when I close it again,
and by again I mean always and so the words must absorb themselves
back into my tongue and follow the dirt roads of my veins and climb
the long ladder of my spine back to my mind to rest awhile.
Rest until they can come out of my fingertips and say all I could not
when my mouth slammed shut and was silenced by my shaking and by shaking
I mean the trembling that comes without warning and starts in my chest
and pulls tight my arms across my body and curls my fingers upon
themselves and pulls the curtains down over my eyes and by eyes I mean
the little green planets living on my face that might just be more than
70% water and seem to be fond of sharing that water with my cheeks and lips
the collars of my shirts and the tiny part of my throat that feels hollow.
And by hollow I mean not empty but filled with nothing because you
and I both know that nothing is absolutely something especially with it’s
the silent shared string that ties two lives together and by together I mean intertwined and wrapped around each other like a rope where when you hold it you forget it’s made of tiny threads and you think of it as one, just one.
What if I was more for you, what if by more I meant everything and
by everything I mean the things you’ve dreamed of and by dreams I mean the
things that live so deep inside your hope that not even the waking parts of you
know they exist, the parts that control where your feet carry you
or how your hands fidget when they carry nerves instead of calm underneath the lines on your palm and by palm
I mean the place my hand will fit or the surface you will use if ever I need
to be slapped or the source of the force of the push you’ll give
when it’s a push forward I need and by need, my God by need I mean the
absolute and certified requirement, the unwavering and nonnegotiable and
no ifs ands or buts about it place you must occupy in my life no matter
what the tides drag in or what the sea pulls back out and no matter how much
water my little green planets of eyes spill or how tightly my arms squeeze
and fingers curl and trembling crawls across the surface of my skin. No matter how fidgety your hands get or lost your breath may be because I might not have the maps and I might have lost the compass but we’re never going to
stop traveling and we’ll be lost and stay lost and live lost together as long
as its together we’ll be.
What if I was more, and by I, I mean the only me I will ever be,
and by more, I mean enough?