It is a frightening thing, to find your cynicism melting away. To realize that there are people in your life who you never thought could exist. To understand that you are a much more fragile person than you let anyone, including yourself, ever fully realize.
I have spent a lot of time suppressing strong emotions, whether they be ones of sadness or ones of pure bliss. Suppressing hope that I would find relationships that not only nourish me, but encourage me to give more of myself than I knew I had to offer. Lately, with the help of a couple of incredibly insightful people, I am pulling back the layers of myself and finding things I did not know were there. Debilitating fear. Intense love. Crippling anxiety. But in finding these emotions, I have found people who were there to help me through them, because they had them too.
I’ve always wanted to be strong. And for some reason, I have spent years under the impression that having intense emotions made one weak. That kind of vulnerability—to say that you carry an inexplicable weight, or a deep, vaguely selfish kind of sadness—was not something to be carried around like a badge of honor, but was something to be kept to oneself, and only shared with the select few whom one could trust. However, the opposite is actually true. It is through weaknesses, these kinds of deep emotions, and sharing them with people, that one becomes truly strong. There is a line in a song that says “You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness,” and I think that very thought has kept me from being my truest self for a very long time.
But, I am now doing a lot of discovering. Discovering these deep wells of emotion within me, and discovering that it is through sharing them, that I am becoming closer with people. The kinds of emotions that I fear will push people away from me or people will call irrational, are instead the kind that are drawing me into deeper, more meaningful relationships. And perhaps they would push some, or even a lot of people away. But right now, they are drawing the right kinds of people; the people who encourage, and motivate, and give me a deeper sense of self, and who help me celebrate whatever it is I am finding. We are all bottomless wells of deep emotion, and it is scary to find out what hides there, but so far, it is also liberating.