When I first started this blog and titled it Wilderness, I had in mind the new adventure of moving to an unknown place to pursue higher education. It was a time when the wilderness felt very tangible, and it was recognizable to other people as well. Everything in my life was changing, in a frightening, yet equally exciting way.
Now that I am on the cusp of completing my masters degree, and Los Angeles has become comfortable and familiar, I am slowly recognizing a new wilderness that is far less tangible, equally to myself and to others, but just as real. I am talking about the wilderness of my emotions.
I am learning, that despite what I have thought for years, I have emotions. A lot of them. It’s very weird. But what’s even weirder, is that I simultaneously feel like I don’t have emotions. Are you catching that? I just said “I feel like I don’t have emotions.” Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself! As my therapist pointed out to me today, for thinking that I don’t have a lot of emotions, I sure use a lot of “feeling” words to describe my lack of them. Oh, the tangle of my subconscious.
I am realizing that for many years, I looked down on emotions. I associated them with the irrational, and I always prided myself on being logical, rational, and even-tempered. People who would cry easily, or fly off the handle in a spout of anger confused me. I thought myself better than them, because I had control over my emotions, and processed through them calmly and logically.
I am slowly realizing, and this may sound obvious, that emotions are not rational. But having emotions, and allowing yourself to express them however that appears, does not necessarily make the person irrational or illogical. It is quite the contrary. It is the suppression, not the expression of emotions, that is abnormal and unhealthy. Here’s to exploring my new wilderness.